I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
