i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
