i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
