New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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