I bet he comes in French.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
