I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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