I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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