That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
then he tried to convert me to islam
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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