Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
