haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
