i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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