This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
