I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
