why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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