I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
