Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
