how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
