The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize