do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
