do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
