SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
