its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
