he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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