Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
