we have officially lost it.
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
