I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
