The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
