My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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