i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
