So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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