Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
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