I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
