Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
