they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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