Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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