i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
