I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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