The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
