I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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