Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
