i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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