Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
