Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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