I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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