fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
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