if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
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