I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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