Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Randomize
