I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
