i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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