she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
