I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
