I wanna bring you to show and tell
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize